No one likes to be proven wrong or be made to realize their hypocritical nature. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how one looks at it), I’ve faced many of these moments in the past few days; humbling and sometimes downright discouraging. It’s difficult to be reminded of our weaknesses.
I have trouble with being too negative in most situations. I usually lean toward suspicion and belief in the worst possible outcome. Many people are like this; that is nothing new. We also can justify our point of view quickly. “I’m a realist not a pessimist.”, “Well the upside of my pessimism is I’m almost always pleasantly surprised with the outcome of any situation.” Endless statements to justify my poor attitude.
But still it isn’t an attitude I should align myself with. My words promote a hopeful attitude in each day and a faith that God can give us the tools to use any situation for the best possible result. However, my actions tend to speak the opposite.
I can point to where most of this negativity stems from. Most negativity originates in the insecurities I have about life. I didn’t have many friends growing up. I was made fun of relentlessly throughout school. I also wasn’t terribly close with my family until I moved out and started college. My suspicion of people runs deep. I’m quick to believe the worst and don’t hesitate to take things personally many others would not.
I can’t continue to use this as an excuse. The past is the past. The world is not out to get me.
In the past couple of days I’ve have a co-worker draw my attention to my attitude. He let me
know I’m not really practicing what I am preaching and that I’m really the only one who is probably out to get me.
My immediate reaction is anger. Not anger with my co-worker, but anger with myself. I know he is right. I’ve been walking around spewing negativity like a spoiled child. Then sobering disappointment with myself crawls in like a rainstorm. I reflect on the countless mornings I’ve talked myself up; trying to convince myself today will be better. Today I’ll be better.
The questions remain; what must I do to actually be proactive in changing my attitude? How do I deal with the daily failure and not let it defeat me? How do I not defeat myself?
I’m going to try; take an active part in my attitude. I believe that remaining humble is a large factor in success. If I can let go of the hurt and pain that leaves me feeling entitled to an easy life then I can view every situation differently. Secondly, it’s a question of maturity. I still have a lot of growing to do as an individual. I also think adopting more prayer and meditation can help. But mostly it’s about developing an inner dialogue with myself; being mindful of the difference between my slanted perception and actual reality. It’s painful; it sucks but it’s worth it.
I encourage you to humble yourself. Dig deep for the weeds that you’ve allowed to grow unchecked in your heart. And in the mean time pray for me while I pray for you. Life is too grand to remain in the same stagnate state of being.
Let us grow and take pleasure in life.